


The Diary of David Rose: A Book Report by Alexis Rose

by ICMezzo



Series: It was very dark [2]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Canon Related, Canon Universe, Gen, High School, Pre-Canon, Siblings, book report
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:22:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28973526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ICMezzo/pseuds/ICMezzo
Summary: The Diary of David Rose: A Book Reportby Alexis RoseApril 8, 2003English II: Contemporary LiteratureMrs. Swanson (Grade 10)
Relationships: Alexis Rose & David Rose
Series: It was very dark [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2125170
Comments: 16
Kudos: 59





	The Diary of David Rose: A Book Report by Alexis Rose

**Author's Note:**

> You should definitely read the first work in this series "[Dear Diary](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28973373)," by the incomparable [MoreHuman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoreHuman/pseuds/MoreHuman) before you read Alexis's book report. Go, go, go! It's so great.
> 
> I suggest reading the book report as a PDF (linked below), but the full text is below as well for those who prefer it.
> 
> Based off the following lines from S5 ep2 of Schitt's Creek:  
> Ted: You've never written in a journal have you?  
> Alexis: No, um, but one time I did do a book report on David's diary, and it was very dark.

✏️📚🍎[ **Alexis Rose Book Report English II.pdf** ](https://tinyurl.com/AlexisRoseBookReport)✏️📚🍎

* * *

**The Diary of David Rose: A Book Report**

by Alexis Rose

April 8, 2003

English II: Contemporary Literature

Mrs. Swanson (Grade 10)

* * *

Rose 2

**The Diary of David Rose: A Book Report**

_The Diary of David Rose_ is an autobibliography by David Rose, written in 2002. He is also the author of the epistolary work _Letters to Toni in a Penitentury_ which I discussed in my last essay. _The Diary of David Rose_ is even more sad though, because David has to find friends in museums and libraries on his own and ends up exposing himself to his diary instead and going to variety shows as part of a homework assignment.

The diary starts when David Rose gets a homework assignment to think and write about himself everyday. Since he basically already thinks about himself all the time, this means he just has to write some thoughts down which is like way easier then writing book reports and he’s in college. He explains early on that the assignment is not being graded, which probably best because he’s wrong about basically everything. These are my three examples. For one, Charlie Sheen heckled him at his Bar Mitzvah _not_ a Christmas party. And “coffee” is obviously not code for coffee and hasn’t been since I was twelve and a half. Finally, David also said he went to LA to help mom when dad was already taking care of it but he really went because he was homesick, according to Adelina. And he wouldn’t admit to having a subscription to Cosmo Girl when he was 16 and I should know because I was on the cover of the June/July issue with Amanda Seyfried and a large toucan. Lastly, everyone knows David attended Lilith Fair for several summers because he put it as his AOL instant messenger status _every time._ In conclusion I will prove that David’s backtowards duplexity is not a good journey for him because he is a terrible liar. Seriously his face gives everything away. David can barely fool himself much less anyone else.

The diary covers the most significant romantic relationship David has had in his life, lasting nearly 3 whole weeks. But by the end of the book, David gets dumped by Ariadne (a super obvious ending) after she turns out to be a ventriloquist, which also makes her the antagonist, because there needs to be an antagonist so who else would it be, David himself? The setting is a Smythson crossgrain lambskin diary in New York City.

At one point in the diary, David describes a visit to a museum exhibit with Ariadne, and really, can you imagine a worse date? You can’t even make out in a museum because it’s “disruptive” and “really not appropriate, Alexis, god”.. Trust me, I’ve tried like so many times. It’s so dumb, he obviously needs friends, but than he always takes them to galleries because he thinks it’s cool. I don’t know where he got this idea but like, unless you’re like a gorgeous and popular teen model who should probably be in a museum herself, you can’t compete with all of the art very well, can you. And he wonders why he can’t keep anyone’s attention. He shouldn’t have gone to New York City for university, since he obviously needs my help with these things. For example, I would have told him if you’re going to break up with a ventriloquist, you obviously need to be the one to do it. Just like I told Jared Padalecki, ventriloquists are scary people who talk to themselves so if he wanted to be one, we were going to have to break up, and than I helped him throw his puppets in a bonfire we had since we were partying in the Hamptons..

Anyway instead of providing actual interesting gossip about his dates with Ariadne that you would expect from the diary genre, he just talks about the artist Thiebald for way to long, which is like, super boring. Also he says he likes Thiebaud because of his contradictions, but contradictions are basically lies, so it is hard to know if that is true. For example David says, “He knows how to make contradictions work for him. The mid-century commercial mice in scene done with traditional oil techniques.” But I checked and Theibaud doesn’t even have any oil painting of mice.

In addition, David did so hang the painting of yo-yos in his room because I overheard Dane DeHann compliment it just before dumping David last summer, but David just took it down right after because he said Dane’s taste was bad just because he wanted to date me instead of him. Which is obviously not true. Dane’s taste was excellent. Unlike Thiebauld, David just does not know how to make contradictions work for him. Also David mentions his McQueen skull scarf that he _stole_ from me. This further emphasizes his untrustworthiness.

Anyway another example of this is how he always says he wants to be alone, when he’s clearly lying.. It’s super dark. Like it’s not like it’s hard to make friends. If the author David Rose would just smile sometimes and stop high-fiving people and stop hanging out in bookstores alone and pretend not to care about things the right way, he’d probably make at least one or two. Like David got so upset when Mischa Barton wouldn’t return his calls in high school and they only had went on two dates. You just have to not care about that stuff. Not that I’ve ever had someone only want to go on two dates, but I know that happens to other people a lot. And David should be very used to it by now. The moping is tragic.

In summary _The Diary of David Rose_ was incredibly boring and not salacious at all and I cannot unrecommend it highly enough.. It was extremely rude to leave a dairy out for me to find under the yo-yo painting and a Philosophy of Art textbooks in David’s storage closet without providing a at least a few interesting details. Frankly I wondered why I bothered to read it at all except for the fact that I did not previously know David had been dumped for a puppet, so I guess in the end, I did learn at least something from the book and assignment, unlike David.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to MoreHuman for joining me in these book report shenanigans. She knocked David's diary out of the park (for those of you who play cricket) and somehow made book report writing fun, which is something I don't think has ever been said before by anyone ever. MoreHuman, additional thanks for sharing from your seemingly endless well of patience, support, friendship, and love for David and Alexis Rose.


End file.
